Dear Miss X,
I want to say that I am disappointed. But the truth is, I’m not. Not at all, because you behaved the way I knew you would. I even told you so remember? I said, “Once you find a boyfriend, I won’t see you any more.” I knew you would lose yourself in a relationship without haste. And what did you say to me? You made a face like you were offended and said, “I’m not like that! That won’t change anything.” And I just looked at you knowing how untrue your words were.
It is a shame that today I could say, “I told you so.” But you aren’t even around to hear it. That’s if I even want to say it. I’ve seen this, time and time again. Hence, I prefer to say this, to all the women out there who are like you:
Be honest with yourself. Do you lose yourself in a relationship?
This is 2013 – Let’s Get it together!
It is a damn shame, but the average heterosexual woman still centres her world around men.
What is wrong with her.
Why is she so empty?
Why does she feel that she exists solely to be … “the girlfriend of” ….”the wife of” ….”the mother of“….?
Why does she not seek out a true purpose independent of a role she plays to others?
Why can’t she thrive without this “male” factor being the main part of the equation?
Why does she rarely seek to discover, know and enjoy who she is – outside of all that? -
The person that she is; Her feelings, her ambitions, her desires, her peeves, her fetishes, her likes, dislikes, quirks, guilty pleasures, weaknesses, strengths, her individuality, her “self.”
It makes (however unhealthy) friendships with these sorts of women, near impossible.
And my “friendship” with you Miss X, was indeed superficial and short-lived.
Was I the in-between-boyfriends-friend? The girl that you go to when all your other friends are in “couplings” as pretentious and empty as the one that you yourself are seeking. The girl who does not mind being on her own, or actually STILL has a life that can accord her ambitions, passions and connections outside of her own hopefully not so unhealthy “coupling” if she isn’t single. The one that you can call up and she will be able to make time for you because she values your friendship, seeks to nurture it; investing her time, energy and emotions that most any sincere relationship would require. The one who listens to you complain about “all men being dogs” knowing that there are indeed many “men” out there who have issues, but that it is more the bad choices you repeatedly make that attribute to your “bad luck.” The compromises you make, and unacceptable behaviour that you shut your eyes to. If indeed all men are dogs, why do you insist on relentlessly seeking them out when I suggest doing other wholesome (man hunting-free) activities? Why are you in such a hurry and so desperate to live out this unhealthy and vicious cycle?
And what is it about your “coupling” addiction anyway? Qu’est ce que ça t’apporte? Not much it seems. Since as soon as you get yourself into one, you abandon everything that seemed to be you…or was it just all an act to procure this coupling? Did you actually enjoy pilates class, or was it just so you could be “skinny enough to get him”? Did you actually like the jazz concerts, or was it because you hoped “so and so would be there” and “think you were cool“? I don’t even recognize you any more. Or can I really say that? Were you ever even you? Do you even know who you are? Or is everything that you do fabricated in the hopes of attracting a man and sealing a “coupling”? …A coupling of death, I’d say. The death of your true self buried under perhaps childhood traumas, a drudge of insecurities and centuries of patriarchal systems that women like you are not helping women like me put an end to.
I do not know about you. But I would NEVER get into a “relationship” that required that I abandon “myself.” That I stop having a life of my own because that person becomes my life, because that “coupling” becomes my life. No friends, no ambitions, no hobbies, nothing more – just him and our “coupling.” Quelle blasphème!
On being such an empty vessel of neediness, what could you even possibly offer this “life-line‘” of yours? Aside from your submission and mothering (of a grown man!), what could you truly bring to the table that would be stimulating, inspiring and even interesting? How could your presence be uplifting instead of draining if you feel that you need this “source” to survive? And if somehow you do happen to stumble across a good guy, how could you even help him grow and be a better man, or have daughters with him and help them be better women, if you yourself have abandoned everything that it TRULY means to be a woman? …This goes beyond having boobs and a uterus – your mind, your individuality, your strength, your independence, your self – that should never be compromised for ANYONE.
Another question, perhaps, even more important than the ones above – what does he have to offer you?
…That you cannot already offer yourself, first? That is so awesome that you sacrifice your self?
Oh, what, does he “complete you” make you “feel like yourself” and “alive”? Does he “make you happy”?
Can we say - codependency! If this is the vibration that you choose to operate from, what could he, or anyone, ever do to truly satisfy you, and fill the hole that you have inside?
Your expectations are unhealthy, because you, Miss X, are unhealthy. 1 + 1 should not equal 1! Is this romantic sugar high so worth it that you damn every other thing and person who was in your life prior to it? That you pull a disappearing act and lose all sense of individuality as your name becomes “ __ and I” which you seem to say with a hint of arrogance? Your friends are replaced with his friends? His hobbies become yours?…me das miedo muchacha. And when it fails? Because it will, booboo, what will you do then?
Pick up where you left off with all the things that you abandoned? Renew your gym membership to shed the 20 lbs you gained after you let yourself go the moment you got him (because you weren’t working out for the right reasons!) so that you can begin a new search to find another one. It seems anyone will do really, and you only make an attempt to take care of yourself if it means you could possibly find a replacement. Sigh, bonne chance avec tout ça…
Any relationship you seek out will eventually fail because you are chasing yourself in someone else. You cannot get self-love from someone outside yourself. The idea of how you hope he makes you feel; shutting out all the other negative factors that ironically compromise the very self-worth that you are seeking to feel through him, is your way of trying to convince yourself that you have value because somebody else claims to “love you” or “need you” …or so you hope.
You can’t give a drink of water to someone else if your cup is empty, sugar. And to ask someone else to quench your thirst with the only cup they have is unfair.
If you don’t do the work to fill up your spirit – cultivating your inherent goodness, that you were born to express – how would you ever truly be able to experience what it is to be WHOLE; and consequently capable of being in a wholesome and healthy relationship with someone. One where you don’t depend on that person to validate your existence, quell your gnawing loneliness and distract you from whatever it is you are running away from inside yourself. How will you ever learn to recognize, believe and truly feel that You, just as you are, no frills, no male accessory – are enough.
Miss X, face reality! Nobody can complete anybody else. NOBODY. And sure, like money, certain other people could eliminate certain problems or add some sort of delight to your life…..but true happiness? The one that is unwavering and comes from an inner peace inside you? That has to come from yourself. Nobody can give it to you. The right sorts of earth angels could add on to it. But the foundation must be filled by you. And that comes through hard work! Soul searching, conscious self growth and repetitive positive (and sometimes difficult) actions towards self development. That comes from spending time with yourself; being in your own company and enjoying your own energy. Seeing yourself for who you are – bare, vulnerable and imperfect – and knowing, accepting and loving this person.
Miss X, as your (former) friend, I would have loved you. Yes. Because in true friendship – people come to know, accept and thrive alongside each other as they live out their individual lives which they have chosen to share with one another in whatever magnitude. Sounds like love to me. Interestingly enough, the healthiest of marriages, putting aside romance and procreation, are built on true and solid long-lasting friendship. And for whatever it’s worth, I would have tried as your friend, despite my better judgement, to help you love yourself.
In the short time I knew you, I was not capable of bonding over wedding ceremony details, sizes of rings and the car my man drives. But I want to leave you with this:
You, just as you are, the person that I saw deep inside you – she is there, and she is worth it ALL. Please, one day, when you find yourself alone again, take the time to truly get to know her.
Oh. And don’t even think about calling me to complain about him when he does disappoint you the way you have (not) disappointed me. I have my life to live, and trust, that it is not in the form of a man.
Sincerely, from Miss Z - an advocate for healthy and true friendships amongst women.